In the following transcript of an imagined interview between Nathi Xinwa and himself, we ask the questions that everyone never bothers asking in interviews, the truly interesting tidbits.
Q: Why The Nathi Xinwa Experience?
A: Sheer vanity. I must admit though that I was not always this self-involved and conceited. In my younger days I was quite the introvert. I only became this megalomaniac on ego-steroids once I realised I was awesome.
Q: WTF?
A: I understand that we are all created equal but, let us be honest with each other, some of us are more equal than others. Case in point: me.
Q: Whatever man.
A: It is a hard truth to swallow for some people, alas it is one they must swallow nonetheless.
Q: Hey, I didn’t even ask you a question.
A: I know, but you had that “Please-explain-this-awesomeness” look on your face, so I took the liberty of making the process of assimilating my awesomeness into your life much easier.
Q: Ah, thank you. I guess. If you knew everything about absolutely everything, what one word would you used to define yourself?
A: Bored.
Q: I don’t think you understand the question.
A: I understand the question perfectly, thank you very much.
Q: I see. Why then, would you be bored?
A: Knowing everything takes away the thrill of discovery.
Q: That is profound.
A: I got it from the back of a sugar sachet. I have more profoundness. Want to hear?
Q: Not really. I can barely stomach your awesomeness.
A: Yes, I have heard indigestion and heartburn are a direct result of being in the presence of undiluted awesomeness.
Q: Oh, God. You are shameless in your awesomeness.
A: Please call me Nathi, you’ll confuse the readers.
Q: Okay, Nathi. What one thing, except for world peace and goodwill towards mankind would you wish for, if wishes could be granted?
A: That’s easy. A year’s supply of coffee.
Q: Wait, what about an end to hunger, an end to war, a new world order?
A: I do care for all of those things but, I would more significantly appreciate a year’s supply of coffee.
Q: Interesting. Do you consider yourself a people person?
A: No. I don’t like people at all.
Q: That explains it. So what do you like?
A: Coffee, oxygen, the paranoia of the upper class. You know, the usual.
Q: Fortunately, our time is up. Any final words for the readers?
A: No.
> After this enlightening interview with himself, Nathi has sworn off having conversations with Nathi ever again. He claims that his alter ego, which was asking all the questions, is out to get him.
Namaste.
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