Comrade Citizen (satire)

written on 10/02/2010

The Jay Code?-
An in-depth interview with Jay President, leading up to the 2011 State of the Nation Address.

Jay, what does it feel like doing your third Address after the pipe coup d'état a few years back?
Eh, Comrade Citizen. I see, you think you’re funny.
This is a hard time to be president of the country. This government has had to manoeuvre around a possible economic meltdown during the recession, we have kept promising the citizens better service delivery and accountability. I have had to watch many of my close friends and alleged co-conspirators get caught at the hands of a usually ineffective police system. Corruption and cover-ups have cropped up in all the avenues of government. I would be embarrassed by it all, were it not for the successful youth festival hosted by the national youth development agency recently.
You see, Comrade Citizen, inasmuch as we must point out our faults in order to make more convincing promises to the general public, we must also celebrate each success we have.
For instance, the havoc-wreaking, placard-swinging masses in Egypt appear to believe that a democracy is more important than their Pharaoh being the richest man in the world. Where is their national pride? Why can’t they be happy that at least one of them has made it?

Jay, you’re losing me now.
There is nothing to lose. It’s right in front of us now.
Even in our own country we have naysayers who actively go out and spread hate and lies about The Ruling Trinity. We are still a very young democracy. People must be patient.

Ya, nhe, Jay. Who can get anything done in 16 years?
It’s like this new thing about more jobs and such. I’m so tired of making the same promises. I really can’t be expected to save the country all by myself, in just one term.

I see what you mean about the expectations folks might have about you running the country, when you clearly have so many more people to do. It’s not like that is your job.
Who do they think signs important papers all day and suffers from extreme jet lag all the time?
Yes, Comrade Citizen. It’s Me!
I suffer the cold glares of opposition parties and the dirty words of The Divergence Cadres time and time again. It’s not easy but, the pay helps me make it through the day.

About the approaching Address, what do you think the public wants to hear this time around?
More of the same I hope. I really haven’t had time to come up with new material.

What about the new jobs that you have promised to pull out of a hat by 2020?
What jobs?! Who said anything about jobs?
Hehe. I’m just playing a joke with you, Comrade. The Presidents of The Ruling Trinity and all government intends to stick to their word. In fact, we can guarantee, with a 100% certainty that in 2016 We will be promising the public free housing for 2,6 million people. It’s an ingenious plan.
You see, the public will be so overwhelmed by the willingness of their government and the money set aside that they won’t even see that there’s no such nonsense as free housing.

I see. And you all truly believe that the public won’t notice?
Yes.

Oh. Okay. Tell me about how voting for you will get me in heaven.
Eh, you see Comrade Citizen. In truth, I am not meant to share this news with the people just yet but, since you asked.
The God People have agreed to let all our cadres into heaven. One thousand percent guaranteed!
All we have to do, in return, is to let The United Entitleds rape and abuse our land, our labour and the entire system, in fact. A very good deal, you see.
We are trading our way of life for Life-Eternal.

Alleged Life-Eternal, Jay. What about the other faiths. Are they supposed to just drop their own version of the afterlife for yours?
Not at all. If you vote for us you will get into heaven, if you don’t then you won’t.

How will you know who votes for you and who doesn’t? The system is independent and fair. There’s no way you can know.
Okay.

Okay?
Yes. Okay. Kanti undifuna ni wena? Dlulela.

Education suffered a severe blow last year. Any new bag of tricks we can expect from them? Maybe a new minister again, perhaps.
We will no longer have an education department. Instead, we will finance the national youth development agency to subsidise an education for the nation’s student population. This is something we are very happy about. We have successfully nationalised the department.

Eh, education was already nationalised. Save for a few private schools dotted on the landscape.
Oh. Then, there’s really nothing to talk about in that respect. Next question.

The roads are in a deplorable state, what is going to change about that?
Nothing. We are just hoping that they won’t get worse.

And there is the problem of clean water and proper toilet facilities per household.
What’s the problem?

The problem, Jay, is that people living in rural areas and squatter camps don’t have access to proper toilet facilities and clean water.
That’s been sorted.
We will be bringing down the numbers by compiling a census.

Compiling a census?
Yes. We always make up the figures. Who do you think has the time to go around counting people?

Oh. But, how will that lower the numbers?
After the census we will reclassify dwellings that look half-hearted and cheap as natural shelters. No government can be expected to plant toilets and taps next to all the caves and under all the trees all over the countryside.

I see how that could be a private joke?
In fact, yes. We will not joke with the people of this country. You must meet Us halfway. Imagine if we had to have a justice system. Who do they think would be president? The guy with the pipe?
The people of this country must learn to be happy about the way things are. Why should we change anything, in fact?
Why should you have to even go through the process of voting ever again? We must just hog all the power and write status updates and tweets about how well We live.
So that the people can stay motivated.

You know about status updates and tweets?
Of course I do. I have many female followers and friends.

Any news in that department?
What department?

The Presidential Harem.
Not as yet. You never know. Oprah might accept my friend request and want to elope with a real man.

[At this point, Comrade Citizen realised that this could be a practical joke, and subsequently left. Two days later he received a friend request by someone named TheRealPrez. He never accepted.]

- Comrade Citizen is a fictional character. So are his guests. If there is some resemblance to real people, events or places, that’s just purely coincidence.
Of course the government is not out to get us all.
2011 © COMRADE CITIZEN